Celebrating Differences of Personality in Marriage

Photos: Brittany Jayde Photography

Before I got married, I knew my husband and I were different. But since the wedding day, we have had nonstop opportunities to see exactly how different we truly are.

Yes, we both grew up in Christian homes in Alabama. We both have a Christian worldview, yet our thinking process seems opposite at times.

Being that we're opposite sexes, I expected some differences. But beyond that, the way we approach decision-making, reasoning, and tasks around the house is different.

When we're discussing things, it sometimes seems impossible that we'll ever be on the same page, living in the perfect unity God designed marriage to be.

It's frustrating and sometimes discouraging that our communication is at times so poor. By the grace of God and the prayers of many, we have seen much growth and change individually and as one in the past few months of marriage.

I'm currently reading "What Did You Expect?" by Paul David Tripp, a Christian book on redeeming the realities of marriage. I have just reached chapter 13, titled "Amazing Grace," which focuses on dealing with each other's differences with appreciation and grace.

Tripp gives a personal story, followed by spiritual wisdom and practical advice for how to realign our view of spousal differences to coincide with God's view, skillfully using biblical principles about God as Creator.

"You will only ever begin to understand the struggles you face as a couple in forming a marriage of real and functional unity, and how to forge a lifestyle of real respect and appreciation between you, when you begin to look at your marriage through the lens of Genesis 1," Tripp wrote. "The real and significant differences between you began in the mind of the Creator. Everything that makes up your wife - what she looks like, her innate gifts, and particular personality - came out of the mind of an incredibly creative designer."

After using the same example for husbands, he goes on to say that, "Every difference is an opportunity to celebrate God's creative artistry and a chance to communicate specific respect and appreciation for who God has formed your spouse to be."

WOW. Pause for a moment and reread those quotes if you need to. That is powerful theological truth being used to radically transform our sin-bent thinking, to better our marriages.

I was convicted to tears upon reading this particular chapter because I have time and time again dealt with differences in Trey and I's personalities as being matters of right and wrong, rather than the hard wiring of who we were created to be.

To top it off, we have been participating in a Facebook challenge by Jefferson and Alyssa Bethke, authors of "Love That Lasts: How We Discovered God's Better Way for Love, Dating, Marriage, and Sex." The challenge is a daily charge with a specific way to love your spouse.

For day two, the challenge was to "Think of one major personality difference in your spouse that usually rubs you the wrong way, and then sit and think on how that can actually be a blessing to you or your marriage." After that, you tell your spouse how thankful you are for that difference.

Between these two things, I have been so convicted and also encouraged to change my thinking and love my husband better. He, too, has been able to see the way our innate gifts and personalities can work together in complementing each other rather than work against each other.

I wrote this poem two weeks after our first date & my, oh my, how much truer it rings now than it did then. How gracious and providential God has been to us.

"two sinners saved

to victory from the grave

two paths aligned

to be refined

two wretches flash

to beauty from ash

two hearts revealed

the promise sealed"